The Feeling of the Ocean
by Helen3
Summary: A conversation between friends.


Lucas relaxed as he drifted through the water encased in the metal wetsuit now required for diving. As his body sank to the bottom he tried to remember what the water had felt like against his skin so many years ago. He desperately wanted to recall the gentle caress of the waves and the exhilaration of the cold but the memories had long since faded and all he was left with was an aching emptiness and a vague feeling of sorrow. Lucas activated the internal floaters and he surfaced a short while later. Hauling himself out of the water and onto the beach he accepted the help Ford gave him with a nod. He took off the suit while Ford grabbed two beers from the cooler. Then taking the beer offered he seated himself next to his friend and they both stared out over the ocean, appreciating each others silent company. Ford had been given some long overdue shoreleave and had decided that it would be good to catch up with Lucas. Times had been tough. The war that was not a war continued to drag on. It had been that way for years. They had both lost so much, so many friends. Ford had known about Lucas' plans to go diving and had worked things so that he could meet up with him. He was glad that they finally had a chance to talk. For a long time they continued sitting even as the light began to fade and the shadows around them lengthened. After a while Ford broke the silence. "Even with all the warnings about it not being safe you still insist on risking your life by diving. You know the waters toxic. What if your suit has a leak or those floaters fail to activate and you sink to the bottom? What then?"  
"I would probably drown. Unless you dived in and saved me." They both laughed at the comment remembering a time in the past when he had done just that. Then Ford got serious. "I wouldn't be able to come in after you. I don't have a suit and you don't have a spare. I keep telling you to be at least a little safety conscious. If I didn't know better I'd say you have some kind of death wish or something."   
"Jon your starting to nag again. Honestly, you can be such an old woman at times." Ford tried to think of a reply, tried to voice the growing concern for this man that had been plaguing him for years but nothing came and he slammed his beer down angrily in the sand causing it to overflow. After another bout of silence he tried again. "Tell me why you still swim in the sea?"  
"It's good exercise. You always tell me I should try to bulk up more," Lucas said with a smile. Ford remembered the cheeky grins he used to get from a certain blond troublemaker so many years ago but that boy was dead along with those cocky smiles. What Lucas gave now was only a shadow of one. A ghost from times past. Ford wondered how long it would be before even the ghost of the boy he knew disappeared.   
"You've changed so much," he said looking into Lucas' face. It was true. He had changed. Far more than anyone would have expected.   
"Your point?" The intense scrutiny made Lucas nervous he turned his head away from Ford and stared down at the sand beside him. Ford gave a bitter laugh. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are times when I wish that you hadn't."  
"Everything changes."  
"Not always for the best. At times your off in your own world and nobody can reach you. Not even me. Sometimes I think most of you is dead, only your body doesn't know it yet."   
"Maybe I am dead," Lucas said.   
"What?"  
"Sometimes I feel I'm not real. Like it's all a dream or I'm not alive anymore. I'm so tired of feeling like this." Lucas' voice wavered for a brief second before the emotionless mask that had built up over the years slid back into place. Still looking down he began to trace patterns in the sand with his fingers.  
"Lucas?" Ford hesitated. Deadly battles and dangerous missions he could deal with. This however was not his area of expertise. "I know I'm not the best at showing it but I care. I want you to be happy. I'll do whatever is necessary to make you happy. Just tell me what to do." Ford had wanted his words to show confidence, conviction, that everything would be okay, instead it came out sounding like a plea.  
"Then stay with me?" The words were no more than a whisper but they rang in Ford's mind as if Lucas had screamed them in his face. It occurred to him that maybe he did have the power to fix this. Deadly battles and dangerous missions could wait. He said he would do what was necessary and he would.  
"I'll stay. For as long as you need me. You don't have to be alone, Lucas."  
"Thank you." Lucas looked up from his drawings in the sand and smiled. For the first time in years it reached his eyes.   
"You never seriously answered my question you know."  
"Hmmmmm? Which one?"  
"Why do you insist on swimming in a dying ocean?"  
"Because despite what we've done to it it's not yet completely dead and when I dive into that water and see parts of it still clinging to life I feel something that I don't normally get to feel."  
"What?"  
"For a one incredible instant I feel hope." 


End file.
